Have you been expecting 2014 just to make sure that Mayans were wrong once and for all about the end of the world? Now that you have reached your inner calm for what concerns the future of mankind, you should really get back to your movie schedule and consider enjoying what’s going to happen during this year that’s gonna be explosive for the industry!
And, just because I love you all, here’s your personal FantastiCarlo movie calendar with the appointments that, according to your truely, you really cannot miss.
– JANUARY 3RD PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE MARKED ONES, a.k.a. “How to make millions investing just pennies”. This time the franchise will move to a whole new Latino based set, that’s going to make Paolina Rubio very happy. The old bad demon from the original movie is said to be still there, and it’s learnt to speak Spanish.
– JANUARY 10TH THE LEGEND OF HERCULES, a.k.a. “One more push-up and Kellan Lutz will explode”. The movie will feature the same old story of Hercules, and it will stand up as the direct opponent to Paramount’s Hercules, starring Dwayne Johnson, that will hit the screens in June. The clash of semi-deities is on.
– JANUARY 24TH I, FRANKENSTEIN, a.k.a. “It’s still alive and no one told me?” More than 200 years after its creation, Frankenstein is back and has worked out, and will find itself in the middle of some battle that we don’t care what it’s about as long as there is shirtless stuff going on.
– FEBRUARY 7TH THE LEGO MOVIE, a.k.a. “Finally they got to make one”. Since the LEGO franchise has acquired the rights to almost anything that’s been ever created, you will witness the quest of the minifigure Emmet, which is going to be nothing else but epic. After six long years of development, this will be masterpiece or death.
– FEBRUARY 12TH ROBOCOP, a.k.a. “You’ve gotten way too old for this, Arnold”. Do you remember the 80’s cult movie starring a robot Schwarzenegger who wanted to make people “Respect the law or you’re dead”? Well, seems like that after years of other products copying the original format, it’s time for the copyrighted franchise to come back and bring the universe to a whole new interesting and steel-ish reality.
– FEBRUARY 14TH VAMPIRE ACADEMY, a.k.a. “You’re running out of jokes involving the word suck”. You were wondering what was going to happen now that both Harry Potter and Twilight have ended? No problem, here’s a new endless saga that will merge both: a school where there are vampires. Or at least that’s the idea, but looks like the mythology’s going to be twisted even more than Twilight & co. did before, by introducing a new set of races: the Moroi, Dhampirs and Strigoi. I’m really not interested, but one needs to keep up with modern pop tastes, you know.
– FEBRUARY 21ST POMPEII, a.k.a. “The world wants Mount Vesuvius to tear Naples apart”. It’s not spoilers, but I guess everyone dies at the end of the movie.
– MARCH 7TH 300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE, a.k.a. “Let’s use the name of a brand whose characters have all died so we earn a lot of money out of it”. Indeed, looks like it’s the sequel to the 300 movie, in which we are going to witness the epic battle between the Greek general Temistokles and Xerxes’ naval commander Artemisia. New story, same muscles.
– MARCH 14TH VERONICA MARS, a.k.a. “A long time ago we used to be friends”. Looks like we made it: we’ve sent tons of Mars’ to the guys at WB/CW and made countless petitions online and they decided to hear us fans out. Now we have a sequel and it’s going to be released just in time for Veronica’s High School 10 years reunion. With a crime to be solved, yay!
– MARCH 21ST DIVERGENT, a.k.a. “Don’t say I didn’t tell you before”. If you don’t know what this movie is about, you should catch up with my last entry and every secret will be told to you guys.
– MARCH 21ST NYMPHOMANIAC: PART ONE, a.k.a. “Let’s not talk about therapy”. This is going to be the censored version of what has been highly announced as Von Trier’s most straightforward look on extreme sex, starring a screaming and moaning ruthless Stacy Martin. Can’t miss it.